


Lonely and Alive

by bumblegwen



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Bad summary is bad, Eventual Romance, Letters, M/M, Not much plot but she'll do, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:49:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumblegwen/pseuds/bumblegwen
Summary: Jimmy sends letters to Thomas and they are just as terrible as he promised.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Jimmy Kent
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	Lonely and Alive

**Author's Note:**

> A fic for Good Twin x  
> Yes, the title is terrible, shut up.  
> Hope you enjoy!

**_24 th March 1924_ **

__

_~~Dear Thomas~~ _

_~~To Thomas~~ _

_Dear Thomas,_

_~~Here we are then. Never thought I’d be writing to you to be honest~~ _

_I bought paper just for this. How are you? I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write, apparently, I was telling the truth when I told you I wasn’t good at this. Forcing all your thoughts onto paper just doesn’t seem natural. Like going to confessional._

_I’ve found work ~~in case you’re worried you silly muppet~~. For now, I’m at Lady Anstruther’s again, but I won’t be for long because I can already see your disapproving face. I’ll move on soon. I promise._

_~~She isn’t too bad really. I still get the soft treatment but no more late nights, I swear.~~ _

_~~She treats me very well~~ _

_~~She~~ _

_How is the downstairs lot then? I bloody well hope Alfred got his act together for Daisy, the poor girl. Say hello to her from me if you can stoop low enough for pleasantries, she was one of the good ones ~~like you~~. I won’t make you pass greetings to Molesley. I’m not that cruel. Mind you, I do miss watching him – still one of the strangest people I’ve ever met, and I’ve met you._

_~~I can see you scowling again. Stop it. You know I’m joking.~~ _

_Let me know if you’re down in London with the family._

_Hope you’re well, and I miss the lot of you._

_All the best ~~Thomas,~~_

_Jimmy_

He rewrote the letter with care and posted it the next day.

**_30 th May 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Well, you’re far better at this letter business than I am. Spent hours and hours reading that biblical tome of paper. My life has faded before me eyes…_

_I suppose that means I have to do the same._

_You asked about me making friends and I’m doing my best. You’re like my bloody mother, Mr Barrow. Rest assured, I do talk to people other than you, ~~none of them compare to~~ ~~none of them are the same as you~~ ~~none of them are good for a smoke like you~~ none of them are good for a smoke though, just my luck. If you could just move down to London that would be dandy._

_You also said Ivy’s gone to America? Good for her I say. Can’t wait for my own adventure there ~~, fancy coming with me?~~ I want to see New York and parade around like a tourist._

_I thought of something I should have asked you to do before I left for good, or maybe I should have done it myself ~~but we both know I’m not quite brave enough~~. I do feel badly for how I treated her. She was nice and pretty. I wish I could’ve said something._

_Anyway, Mr Barrow, time goes on, doesn’t it? No point moping._

_~~It’s hot in London, you’d love it~~ _

_How did you do this? Half a page and I’m flagging. This might be all you get out of me. I told you I was rubbish with words and letters. If I don’t send another one soon, assume I’ve died from letter writing exhaustion._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_1 st September 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Do you remember that Halloween when I filled Alfred’s pillow with flour and pretended he was a ghost when he came out to kill me? ~~I remember you laughing like a plonker at that.~~ Best night of me life._

_~~Sorry I haven’t written for a while, my life got a bit barmy.~~ _

_How have you been, my friend? I’ve been working at a shop for a few weeks. Not as glamorous as Anstruther, ~~not as fun as Downton~~ , but work is work isn’t it? Saving my money for that grand adventure! Would be wonderful ~~to see you~~ to have more and quickly. I put some money on the ponies so maybe I’ll win big one day? What do you think about that? Jimmy, the mysterious handsome Englishman in New York. Sounds good to me._

_~~I won’t ask you to write~~ _

_~~You don’t have to write, but~~ _

_~~Can’t wait~~ _

_Looking forward to the next short novel from you._

_Best,_

_Jimmy (handsome Englishman)_

**_30 th October 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_How are you? ~~I hope my last letter didn’t put you off~~ I hope you didn’t think I was serious in my last letter when I said your letters are long. While this face is handsome indeed, I can read you know._

_~~You didn’t say much, are you~~ _

_~~You didn’t seem yourself and I know you~~ _

_~~I want to come see you~~ _

_Someone came in the other day asking for cigarettes and tea. Black hair, broody type. ~~Reminded me of you standing outside at night, smoking like some mysterious vampire man~~ Made me think of someone we both may know._

_I think I’d like to work at Downton again, is that bad? As much as I couldn’t be dealing with the rest of those silly arses again, I wouldn’t mind it. Shop life is just boring with no toffs and their stories and lives. I could use a good tale. We had fun enough for the whole lot of them, didn’t we?_

_Maybe this is a funny thing to say in a letter and not to your face (mind you mate, there’s some who might not want to see me face so maybe me being away is best for everyone) but I should say it anyway._

_I really am sorry for what happened. Anstruther wasn’t worth it and ~~leaving you~~ ~~leaving my best friend~~ I shouldn’t have made you take me to her. I was stupid, but you know that. If you’re curious, I haven’t changed, but I’m keeping my hands clean._

_I am sorry._

_Write soon and all the best,_

_Jimmy_

**_5 th November 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_~~You’ll think I’m some silly bloody girl for doing this~~ _

_~~I’m not pining after you if that’s what you’re thinking I’m just worried~~ _

_Hello old friend. I’m thinking about popping up to York in a couple of weeks for a day. Let me know if you can get the time off._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_2 nd December 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Don’t write letters when drunk don’t do it Mr Barrow._

_Dear Jimmy, Do not DO NOT write letters when drunk it’s bad._

_I miss your stupid surly face. Come to London. Git. Ha._

_Sorry you’re not a git but you are a bit. Have you got a fancy man yet? If you have make sure he isn’t a git like me I’m a git too. I’m sorry I made you sad. I don’t want you to be sad say you aren’t sad you make me smile a lot._

_Jimmy_

_PS: I’m sending this right now when I’m sozzled in case I change my mind. Happy drinks._

**_4 th December 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_You never replied. Are you well? I sent you something a couple days ago, not a clue what it said but ignore it. ~~I ended up falling asleep on some bench~~ I don’t remember a thing. Don’t worry, the headache after was punishment enough._

_I still have the money to come see you. Let me know._

_~~I’m worried. Send a letter soon.~~ _

_~~Best~~ _

_~~Miss you~~ ~~Miss my best mate~~_

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_24 th December 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Merry Christmas old friend. ~~I almost bought you~~ _

_Are you well? I think I’m becoming the expert on letter writing now, I don’t know what I was thinking before. I see these bloody things all the time and send them off. Do you read them in my voice? I did that with yours. Silly, I know, but even you’re handwriting looks like your voice sounds, all sharp and smooth._

_I’m dying to come up and see you lot._

_I want to, badly._

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

_Fucking hell Thomas why aren’t you replying? What if you’re dead? Did I say something wrong? Are you angry with me?_

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck off fucking fuck._

_Wanker. Bloody reply you git._

_Your very irritated friend who wants to bloody know if you’re bloody alright,_

_Jimmy._

The letter lay at the bottom of a desk drawer, unsent.

**_24 th December 1924_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Merry Christmas old friend. Hope you’re well._

_Really, Thomas. I really hope you’re alright._

_I don’t know what to say anymore when my best mate won’t tell me anything. Pick up a pen and write if you can. I swear I’ll write better letters._

_You’re a daft git._

_Best as always,_

_Jimmy_

_4 th February 1925_

_Dear Thomas,_

_You took your bloody time. Sorry the last one was arse-y. Just don’t disappear like that again._

_Yes, Mother, I’m as well as can be. I quit the shop and started as first footman for Lord and Lady Seymour. They’re quite posh. Aren’t I being a good, responsible boy?_

_Sorry to bring her up again but thank you Lady Anstruther and your cracking undeserved reference._

_There. Never mentioning her again. I’m becoming a new person, Thomas._

_You said you were ill. What with? Are they looking after you? ~~Do you need me to~~_

_Don’t be expecting a shower of compliments every time I send you something, but you’re a strong man so I can’t imagine you’ll be down for long, whatever it is._

_Oh! Nearly forgot – do you fancy ice skating? Yes, Jimmy, that is the soppiest thing you’ve ever written in your life and yes, you are a girls blouse, but I saw a huge rink yesterday and it looked a right good time. A few drinks and we’d be off. How’s about it, when you’re better? Don’t know how long it will be there._

_Cheerio,_

_Jimmy_

**_11 th March 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_I have to tell you something and I need you to not do anything ridiculous. Just read this, go have a smoke or stare into the bloody darkness or whatever it is you do, and come back before you even think one thought._

_Do you promise, Thomas?_

_I have to tell you that I miss you. I speak to you all the time and I miss you. I just want to see your face and know you’re there in front of me. Do you know how hard it is being alone here? I’ll play a little violin while you picture me looking sad. Pretend I’m one of those soppy poets you like so much._

_~~There are so many people in London and none of them are even close to~~ _

_There are so many people in London. I’m just a speck._

_Go snark Bates on my behalf, this is getting too soppy. Consider this permission to be a complete arse. In fact, consider this forceful encouragement._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

The night unravelled slowly around Jimmy as he lay in bed. He kicked his foot against the metal frame at the end of the bed. Sleep did not want to force its way through and make this damn night go faster.

Huffing, he swung himself out of bed and crossed to his dresser, ignoring the tired, handsome reflection in the mirror. He yanked the top drawer open and pushed ties, trinkets and socks out of the way until his fingers found warm paper.

The words fluttered before his eyes as he sat on his bed, flicking through the many pages where the tops of Thomas’ neatly formed, spidery letters peak out.

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

**_I’m impressed you know how to write, congratulations. I am well, thank you for asking, and as for Alfred, well_ **

****

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

**_New York sounds like a delightful dream, but make sure you’re surviving first before you do anything stupid, oh divine handsome Englishman. I see London has done wonders for your ego. Are you having fun?_ **

****

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

**_I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. I have been unwell but am better now. I’m touched that you were worried. Don’t be._ **

****

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

**_You are not a speck you daft boy, not to me if that matters. I’m touched, again, but you should be off galivanting with some other bright young things instead of bothering with me._ **

Jimmy took out the latest letter and continued reading, a frown forming deepening lines between his eyebrows.

**_As for visiting, I confess, I do not know when I can. Apparently being underbutler means I have to look after the new ones, which will be a nice change from the drudgery. I’m sure you remember._ **

**_I will make sure Bates is miserable._ **

**_All the best,_ **

**_Thomas_ **

Jimmy chewed his lip and set the letters down beside him. He leaned his elbows on his thighs and kneaded his hands. The letters from Thomas were growing shorter and shorter, almost all of them containing some hint that Jimmy should go out and make as many friends as humanly possible.

Fred from the bar liked flicking a swiss army knife. He liked apple pies.

Susan and Millie, sculler maids and twins at the Seymour’s residence, enjoyed his playful flirting and promises of moonlight dances. He didn’t know whether the other twin knew he said the same things to them both.

Mr Grayson the butler enjoyed his nonsense to his surprise.

He still recognised some faces that passed in and out from the shop, seeing them on his breaks, and the hallboys weren’t too bad, if only he could remember their bloody names.

If he was honest with himself, he didn’t know any of them. He didn’t know a soul.

Jimmy scowled and picked himself up, marching to the dresser where a grubby pen and a few sheets of paper, swiped from Mr Grayson’s pantry, lay. He wrote with fury.

**_20 th March 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Don’t worry, old man, I’ve got too many plans to keep up with as of late. ~~The girls and boys~~ The girls and boys of London town await._

_Take care mate,_

_Jimmy_

The letter was sealed in an envelope before he gave himself any time to reconsider. He would send it in the morning.

Jimmy slept restlessly that night.

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

****

**_Good for you. I dread to think what those poor girls must go through. Glad to hear you’re having a wonderful time, keep having it for the both of us._ **

**_All the best, as ever,_ **

**_Thomas_ **

**_13 th April 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Just realised something – you never answered my question. Are there any fancy men about? You’ve endured enough of my conquest retelling (sorry about those, but the great romancer Jimmy Kent cannot be stopped) so it seems to be that I should have to do the same for my mate._

_Not too much, mind you. No gory details. Save my poor eyes._

_Our butler tripped on a flagstone by the back door (he smokes like you, can’t escape it, can I?) and hit his head. Poor bugger has been in bed for a day. Guess who’s taken on half his duties?_

_Pray for my wretched soul, Thomas._

_I’m expecting scandal and intrigue in your next letter._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_28 th April 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_I didn’t mean it Thomas. There’s nothing wrong or scandalous about you, you know I know that. I was joking. I promise._

_Please reply soon._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

****

**_I’m sorry too. I was having a tough day and I took it out on the paper. That means it got to you and it shouldn’t have, I’m sorry._ **

**_As for your question, it’s Barrow contra mundi for now - do you remember saying that? No scandals here, though I can fabricate some, if you wish?_ **

**_I’m pleased they appreciate you at that house. Sounds like you do more there than you did at Downton. I suppose that means your superiors aren’t grumpy miseries or smug underbutlers. Or Carson._ **

**_All the best,_ **

**_Thomas_ **

****

****

**_10 th May 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Barrow contra mundi? Surely there’s a line of people begging for your attention?_

_Sort that out soon, Thomas, if only for my ~~peace of mind~~ entertainment. If it makes you feel any better, it’s Jimmy contra mundi too. There. Now we’re both eligible bachelors, who knows what could happen?_

_Thank God and all his angels Mr Grayson is back on his feet otherwise I would have died on my feet. Far too young and far too good looking for a death as boring as that._

_How are things at Downton? Can we count on Molesley for amusement? These are desperate times, Mr Barrow._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_3 rd June 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_No, you are not doing this again Barrow. Write as soon as you see this, or I’ll march on foot to Yorkshire._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_15 th June 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_If you don’t reply soon I’ll never write again. I swear it._

_Let me know you’re well._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_18 th June 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Yes, I know this isn’t far behind the last one. Shut up. You said in your last letter that things were rough and you never said what. Lucky for you, you’re my best friend and ~~I care about you~~ ~~I’m worried about you~~ ~~I should come see you~~ I care about your wellbeing._

_Please, Thomas. Don’t make me beg._

_Best wishes,_

_Jimmy_

**_16 th July 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_What is keeping you from writing this time? I feel like a ~~girl~~ ~~lovelorn~~ numpty writing like this to you when you won’t write back. Has something happened? Are you ~~hurt~~ ~~hurting~~ alright there?_

_I’m doing that very maudlin thing where I start missing my best mate again._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_31 st July 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_What will it take for you to write me back? Do I need to come to you, like I said?_

_I’ll say it – I miss you. I’m fed up. I just want to see you. I want to smoke with you and slag off anyone we want. ~~I want to see you out at night having a good time~~ ~~I want to see you~~ I want to see you happy with someone, anyone, if it’s me or not. Not like that. You know what I mean._

_If Carson has lifted a finger against you like I forced him to, leave Downton behind and come see me. Leave them to rot. ~~We’ll live happily~~ We’ll have a cracking time and you can live with me. How’s that?_

_There, that’s enough soppy begging. What have you done to me? I should start embroidering napkins…_

_Best wishes you muppet,_

_Jimmy_

**_10 th July 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_Fine then, Mr Barrow, I’ll confess some more. I’ll kill you for this._

_I’m a bit lost in this big bad world. You think it’s going to be some grand, sparkling adventure, like Robinson Crusoe or something, but in a city. Do you see? I’m a fly and this place is the web. That’s what it’s like, if we’re going to be poetic._

_There’s nowhere I would rather be, but it’s all a trap too. No safety net. You see? When you’re somewhere like this, just one small thing should feel safe so you can hide if you’re injured._

_You see?_

_Come have a smoke with me._

_One more confession. I’m a bit drunk. Not too drunk, just fuzzy._

_All the very best and bloody well pick up a pen,_

_Jimmy_

Jimmy let the letter sit for two days. He re-read the ridiculous words. He sent it anyway.

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

****

**_Alright, Jimmy. I’ve picked up the pen._ **

**_I understand. I will never say or write another word about it again, but if you are lonely, then know this; I am here. You aren’t alone. As long as you want me, I will always be here, Jimmy. If you need me, just say._ **

**_I don’t know how long you will be able to write to me like this as I am beginning to look for work elsewhere. I will let you know if anything changes._ **

**_Don’t stop writing._ **

**_All the best,_ **

**_Thomas_ **

**_3 rd August 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_~~I don’t know how to say this~~ _

_~~I think about~~ _

_Thank you. Likewise, Thomas, if you need me, I’ll come to you._

_Thomas and Jimmy against the world, as it should be, eh?_

_~~Remember when you told me something you shouldn’t have? You probably don’t think I’d remember, but I do. I think about that a lot, more as of~~ _

_Leaving Downton? Why? I know I said leave them in the dust, but I know how much you love that place. You were terrible at hiding it._

_If there’s another moron like me when I was awful to you, ~~you fight to stay~~ ~~tell the bugger what’s what~~ ~~get out before they get you~~ go to Mrs Hughes, she’s got a soft spot for you and she’s wiser than all of us._

_Keep safe._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

Knowing Thomas was alive and well, Jimmy didn’t write for a while, satisfied with his last letter.

At least, that’s what he told himself every time he spotted the growing pile of paper on his dresser which had outgrown the drawer. Now the words filled his senses like aftershave. They were the first thing he looked at in the morning, the first thing he wanted when the post came, and his last thought as he fell asleep each night. Thomas and his words kept his mind occupied.

Thomas would be alright. He was wily and clever as a tiger, an expert at only revealing what he wanted you to see, though his tells and ticks stood out to Jimmy. He smiled up at the ceiling as he lay on his bedsheets, uniform still on, his hands tucked behind his head as if basking in the Sun. If anyone could fall on their feet and find their way in an unforgiving world, it was Thomas. Jimmy had nothing to worry about.

Thomas had seemed sad though.

He grunted and shut his eyes, only for Thomas’ face to fill the void. The cool spots underneath him turned warm as he shifted comfortably. He moved one hand down to his chest and drummed a soft rhythm on his chest.

Thomas was hiding something from him.

A frown marred his face and took his mind by the hand. Thomas had talked about leaving and never said why. If this was his next scheme, surely, he would have divulged something to Jimmy? If not, then they weren’t as close friends as Jimmy thought they were. Every formed word on the pages of Thomas’ letters unabashedly showed care for him. Jimmy bit the edge of his bottom lip.

His chest hurt when he thought about how much Thomas cared, even from so far away, from what felt like the other side of the world. The friends he’d made soon realised how vapid and vain he was, tiring of his nasty humour and preoccupation with himself. Fred from the bar still chatted, but he had a girl now, some nameless, faceless bird, who filled his days. Everyone else was a sodding bore.

Jimmy shifted onto his side, half curled into a ball, twisting a loose curl of his hair around his finger. His lip quivered. He sucked in a sharp breath.

Jesus. He was so fucking lonely.

Jimmy got up and before he knew it, he was writing again.

**_31 st August 1925_ **

_Dear Thomas,_

_I have to ask you something difficult. You do not have to answer._

_How did you manage me hating you that year? Is that why you understand? ~~Does it hurt like I am right now?~~_

_Thomas, are you lonely?_

_I’m sorry, that’s more than one question, but I’m feeling daring all of a sudden. Let me get me knitting out._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

A reply did not come for two weeks.

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

****

**_You aren’t wrong there, Jimmy, but then you’ve always been difficult. I am writing this in the servant’s hall, just before Daisy comes in with lunch. We have a new lad, Andy, and a Miss Baxter here now. They are in the room, so I won’t say too much. One day I’ll tell you about them._ **

**_My answer is this; Jimmy, are you lonely?_ **

**_Write back as soon as you can._ **

**_All the best,_ **

**_Thomas_ **

_13 th September 1925_

_Dear Thomas,_

_God, yes. I’ve never been this alone in my life._

_Best,_

_Jimmy_

**_Dear Jimmy,_ **

****

**_Come to Ripon. You’ll find money in the envelope for the journey, spend it or don’t._ **

**_Thomas._ **

****

Stifling, heavy air pressed down on Jimmy in the train, seemingly growing heavier as they hurtled closer to the station in Ripon. Jimmy breathed unevenly, the odd breath shuddering in his lungs, his fingers turning his hat over and over. His eyes glazed as they stared out the window as the blurring trees and grey sky swept past.

The number of houses dotted in the green increased slowly and then, with no warning, Ripon formed around the train. Jimmy blinked himself into the present and looked about him. He hadn’t noticed half of the other passengers board and now, suddenly, every seat was occupied. No one looked up as though he were in a dream.

A long, deep whine signalled the train slowing into the platform. Jimmy gulped and stood up too quickly, dropping his hat. Red rushed through his face as he bent to pick it up, earning a tut from an old woman getting to her feet opposite him. His jaw clenched but he said nothing.

Every person and their entire extended family seemed to have boarded the train and was now shuffling towards the exit at a snail’s pace. Jimmy placed his hat back on his head. His fingers brushed over the curled hairs just behind his ears. He flattened them back.

The old woman in front of him took half steps, leaving a gap of a few feet between her and the family ahead of her as they alighted the carriage. He drummed the tips of his fingers on top of a bench. Fresh air poured in, urging him out.

Pale light blinded Jimmy for a moment as he descended at last. He ducked his head, squinting as his eyes adjusted. Shoes and legs of every colour scattered around him, dress hems and coats swung in a high-speed carousel. When he finally looked up, there were so many people and plumes of steam that finding a familiar face was impossible. Jimmy licked his lips, pulling his coat around him though he wasn’t cold. Sniffing, he pushed his way through the crowd down the platform, glancing at every face but finding no rescue. This was barely a fraction of the human activity he experienced down in the capital, yet somehow this buzzing platform rattled his nerves more.

He walked further down where people streamed through narrow gates to leave, and where trees and ling grass could be seen through the chaos. Pursing his lips, Jimmy stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and bounced on the balls of his feet. His gaze darted from person to person as the world clattered behind him.

‘Jimmy?’

Jimmy turned.

He wasn’t ready. As soon as he set his eyes on Thomas, he knew he wasn’t ready but there was nothing he could do about it now. The dark grey suit should have blended him in with the crowd and the long black coat should have drowned him. Instead, he stood tall, chin raised, a neutral expression doing little to hide the brightness in his eyes.

Jimmy couldn’t speak as he stepped closer, neither could he tell if the hollowness in Thomas’ face was due to his habitual sucking in of his cheeks or illness. A lump formed in his throat. Thomas’ fedora cast a blue shadow over his eyes, turning light grey to a thunderous storm. That was, until Thomas smiled a small, shy smile. The clouds dissipated and Jimmy breathed in deeply.

‘I wasn’t sure you would turn up.’ Thomas said.

‘Glad I’m still unpredictable, Mr Barrow.’

‘Oh,’ Thomas raised an eyebrow, ‘I wouldn’t go as far as that.’

The tightness returned to Jimmy’s throat as he let himself take in Thomas, remembering the reason why he had come. He dropped his gaze and swore under his breath.

A hand rested on his bicep. He looked up. Thomas’ eyes crinkled as he leaned in.

‘Oi, you’re alright now. You aren’t alone anymore.’

Jimmy responded with a sharp nod. The scent of hair pomade and smoke, as though Thomas had worked his way through too many cigarettes, filled his nose. Goosebumps ran down his neck, but he ignored the warm sensation. Thomas’ soft grey eyes, so stony at times yet so inviting now, smiled as though nothing else mattered.

‘I’ve missed you.’ Jimmy blurted out, feeling heat flush up his neck.

‘And I you.’ Thomas dropped his hand from Jimmy’s arm. ‘Shall we go?’

‘Where to?’

Thomas grimly looked over his shoulder as they began to walk.

‘A place where we can talk privately.’

They didn’t say a word as they walked side by side through the long road out of Ripon. One man coming out of the post office nodded to Thomas before moving on with his day. That surprised Jimmy. The Thomas he knew didn’t care much for making friends fast, himself being the isolated exception. Yet he supposed the underbutler had more responsibilities now. He wondered how often Thomas came down here by himself.

Thomas led him through the town and left down a walled country road that he recognised as being the way to the abbey. Jimmy faltered behind him, pausing before Thomas noticed. He wasn’t keen on reuniting himself with his old workplace and hopping on the bus would be far more sensible, but they’d left that behind. As if hearing his thoughts, Thomas stopped and beckoned Jimmy on with a quick incline of his chin. Swallowing thickly, Jimmy kept walking.

Finally, after passing under trees and winding along the road, Thomas began to slow his pace, sliding his hands into his trouser pockets. For a moment he looked like a detective out of a cheap novel, mysterious and dark. Jimmy smiled at that until his mind caught up with him again. He had no clue what Thomas wanted to say to him.

The letters still sat on his dresser, locked inside his bedroom. He had the elegantly formed words imprinted onto his memory by now. Jimmy’s heart pounded. He’d never told another person so much before Thomas. In his mind, Thomas held his heart on a string, and he could do anything he wanted with it. That was the problem. He’d given up so much to those sheets of paper.

‘Jimmy, I’ll be very frank,’ Thomas said quietly beside him. Jimmy looked up to see Thomas’ gaze focused steely ahead. ‘if you’re not doin’ well, if you need help, I’ll help you. I think we both know by now how I feel about you.’ Thomas paused and turned to Jimmy, silver eyes sparked and determined. ‘That’s good for you ‘cause it means I’ll do anythin’ to help, but you have to tell me everythin’ that’s happened.’

Stunned, Jimmy stayed silent for a moment as his mouth caught up to his brain. Thomas looked back ahead and kept moving at a meandering pace, mouth tense and pursed. That meant he was controlling himself. Jimmy wanted to force his gaze away and look at the road so Thomas wouldn’t realise he was staring like a dead fish.

‘And- and how do you feel about me?’ he stammered.

Thomas sighed and tipped slightly his face to the sky. The meagre light illuminated his face. Jimmy focused on his breathing, which was starting to run away from him again.

‘You know.’

‘Do I?’

‘Don’t be dense, Jimmy, you know exactly how I feel.’ Thomas snapped. Clearing his throat, Thomas spoke again softly, ‘We both know I’ve been in love with you for years.’

It was one think to know and quite another to hear him say the words in his gentle voice with that rasping edge which Jimmy found so calming. Jimmy ran his tongue over his bottom lip and blew out a small stream of air.

‘D’you have a smoke?’ he asked.

Thomas stopped and Jimmy just after him, his gaze following Thomas’ hands as he fished the lighter and carton from his coat. Glinting in his fingers, the lighter turned in and out of view. Jimmy’s gaze travelled to the fingers of Thomas’ gloved hand. Think scars shaped like frozen waves in a pool of water peeked out from under the yellowing material. The same hand held out a cigarette, which Jimmy took and held out steadily as Thomas lit it. Seconds later, Thomas had another hanging from his lips, while Jimmy’s perched between his fingers. The lighter and the glove disappeared inside Thomas’ pockets. Smoke twirled a halo about Thomas’ face.

‘I think you’re lonely, Thomas and I don’t think you tell me much in those letters.’

The sad smile on Thomas’ confirmed his fears.

‘You are correct. I don’t say much.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I don’t know whose side you’d be on. You might turn against me.’

‘For God’s sake, Thomas.’ Jimmy bristled.

Thomas shook his head. The smile didn’t leave.

‘Carson and his lordship want me gone, and a few months ago, they warned the new boy, Andy, about me without me knowin’.’

Jimmy’s jaw dropped. ‘They what?’

Thomas shrugged. ‘Andy and I made up, but they’re forcin’ me out. I think everyone knows about me now and no one wants a degenerate in the household.’

Jimmy lifted the cigarette to his lips just to have something to focus on while he boiled inside. His hand shook slightly.

‘What’s your story?’ Thomas asked dryly.

Jimmy replied instantly, ‘I’m completely alone. Everyone I thought was a mate has left ‘cause I’m nasty. I thought bein’ on me ownsome would be an adventure, down in the city, but it’s killin’ me.’

‘I know the feelin’.’

‘And I’ve missed you. I do miss you, even now I’m bloody standin’ next to you.’

A real, almost naughty, boyish grin stretched Thomas’ face, pushing the wrinkles around his eyes up so he appeared young and old at the same time. He chuckled breathily and shook his head.

‘I’ve missed you too, Jimmy. I’m happy you’re here.’

Jimmy wanted to join in and be mates again, he really did, but the niggling thought in his ear wouldn’t leave him alone that he couldn’t relax until he knew this one thing. He told himself it meant nothing, though that particular voice was quiet. The one he could hear pushed him and pushed him until he could do nothing but blurt out-

‘Does it hurt when you miss me?’

A thin burst of smoke emitted from Thomas’ mouth.

‘Yes.’

‘Like an ache?’

‘Is that how you feel about me, Jimmy?’

Jimmy’s brow furrowed. He stared resolutely at Thomas.

‘Yes.’

Thomas plucked the cigarette from Jimmy’s fingers and threw away his own. He took Jimmy’s face in his hands and kissed him.

Jimmy forgot to breathe. Just as his hands began to reach up to Thomas’ shoulders, the older man pulled away, still cupping his face. Their foreheads almost touched. Thomas’ hot breath tickled Jimmy’s skin as his gaze drifted from Thomas’ full lips to his eyes which narrowed.

‘You will never be alone again, d’you hear?’

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry there's no fur coats in this one...


End file.
